Spam Revenge: Mr Woolworths

To whom it may concern

I sincerely hope that this enquiry finds an intimate moment with Mr Woolworths himself, for it deserves the attention of the big guy. Such is it’s importance and such is the enormity of my ego.

Mr Woolworths, may I call you Woolies? I recently received an SMS from your company. The SMS was addressed to me, or perhaps someone who has hired me to comment on his behalf. The message reads as follows:

“Mr ## ###### you’ve been selected to apply for a Woolworth’s Store Card. Apply today and up your layering game with the latest winter knit wear from Woolies. Apply now – reply YES and we’ll call you back or call ##########, Ts&Cs apply. SMS Stop to opt out”

I am humbled Mr Woolworths, to be specially selected by such a prestigious store to receive a Store Card. I know that such an invitation is very rare, like when Nick Carraway received an invitation to one of Gatsby’s parties. All the other unworthy malingerers just showed up. I would love to accept your invitation but I need some clarity on what owning such a privileged piece of plastic will afford me.

You see, I am naive in the ways of the plastic card. I use plastic bottles daily, I’ve used plastic spoons, forks, straws and plates while sitting under plastic trees, conversing with a woman whose most attractive features were not plastic. Sadly, I did not have the opportunity to make sure, as the wine was “corked”, the sandwiches soggy, and my charm that of a goldfish in a toilet bowl.

In short, I have never had a Store Card before. As I understand it, and please correct me if I am wrong, I can pick items from your store with abandon. Then slowly wind my way between the barriers of the queue. And when I finally reach the cashier I can triumphantly produce my Store Card, wave it around, and while the other customers gasp, the cashier with swipe my card, confetti will fall from the heavens, girls in bikini’s will plant “lipsticked” kisses on my face, and I will only have to pay for all my purchases after my death.

Reply YES if my understanding is true, or BOLLOCKS if my understanding is not untrue.

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